The Science of Feeling Safe
You have a day off. Internally, you are celebrating. . . thinking of every little task you’d like to do - big or small. Instead of cleaning the house, or opting for a day trip - you decide to sit down to read a book. You get comfortable, grab your favorite blanket - don’t forget the hot cup of coffee - and you cannot sit still. Notice the hesitation in your mind, the clutter across the room, and the small squeak coming from the air purifier.
Why does it feel so difficult to relax?
Do you long for those calm, interrupted moments - yet when you finally slow down, you feel restless, uneasy, or maybe even unsafe?
You may be asking - why would someone feel unsafe? It may seem odd but it’s very common.
Oftentimes, we don’t feel that we have done enough to earn a moment of relaxation.
But like we do in the therapy room, let’s take a moment to understand why we may feel this way. . .
Relaxation is defined as a state of freedom from anxiety - often while finding calmness and enjoyment.
So, in order to relax - first, I must not feel anxious. [That is much easier said, then done.]
There are constant stressors, or sources of anxiety, that are woven into our daily lives.
There are bills to pay, work to get done, children to take care of, home maintenance, social callings, and family gatherings to attend - all of which can be anxiety-inducing.
Trying to find time to relax can feel impossible. You are not alone. So let’s find a way to make it make sense -
Polyvagal Theory is the science of how our nervous system shapes our sense of safety, connection, and rest.
This complicated sounding theory is essentially a way to reflect on our inner world - our thoughts and body sense.
What does your body feel like right now. Does your neck feel tight? Do your eyes feel heavy? Are your feet touching the floor or are they elevated?
Noticing these small areas of your body gives you clues to how you are feeling.
As we move through these polyvagal concepts - informed by the work of Deb Dana, LCSW and Dr. Stephen Porges, you may notice more.
The idea is to find practical ways to listen to your body’s cues, honor it’s wisdom, and create moments of safe stillness in your everyday life.
Let’s begin. . .
For many of us, stillness doesn’t feel safe. Our bodies are wired to stay alert, to keep moving, to do. Yet stillness is essential to our well-being — it’s where we rest, digest, and reconnect with ourselves and others.
How do the body & brain communicate?
The nervous system searches for cues of safety and danger — in our environment, in other people, and even inside ourselves. It may notice your cozy blanket as a cue for safety, but it may also recognize the danger of unread messages waiting on your phone.
As you look around in your space, as you read this, what do you see or sense that offers safety?
What could be a cue for danger? [Perhaps it is the storm outside that threatens your power, or maybe it is the internal sense of hunger that is slowly building.]
Our body utilizes something called neuroception — an autonomic intuition that detects these signals below conscious awareness. It’s different from perception. Neuroception helps us know, without thinking, whether we’re safe enough to connect or need to protect.
When cues of safety outweigh cues of danger, our body relaxes, and new possibilities open up. When danger outweighs safety, our body protects us through survival responses like fight, flight, or freeze.
The Three States of the Nervous System
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Calm, open, creative, compassionate, connected — this is our state of homeostasis, where health and growth occur.
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Energized, focused, or anxious — this system helps us move through the world & through our daily life, but in survival mode it becomes fight-or-flight.
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Quiet, disconnected, or numb — helpful for rest and digestion, but in survival mode, it becomes shutdown or despair.
We move between these states all the time. The goal isn’t to stay in one state forever but to develop flexibility — to move between states. All of these states provide value when in moderation. Ventral encourages us to be creative & hopeful, sympathetic gives us the energy to move our bodies, and dorsal allows us to restore and recharge.
It is when we are in survival mode that the latter can become overwhelming — when sympathetic energy turns into panic or agitation, or dorsal withdrawal becomes numbness and disconnection. In those moments, our nervous system isn’t failing; it’s doing its best to protect us.
With awareness and support, we can begin to recognize these patterns, thank our body for trying to keep us safe, and gently guide ourselves back toward balance and connection.
Just like the pieces of a puzzle, our nervous system’s states — ventral, sympathetic, and dorsal — all have their place. When we understand how they fit together, we can begin to see the bigger picture of our well-being.
Co-Regulation: Healing Through Connection
Our nervous systems don’t regulate in isolation. From the moment we’re born, we rely on connection to survive - and throughout life, we need connection to thrive.
Healing begins when we find safe relationships where our nervous system can relax and become comfortable with feeling safety. That is why healing can take place in the therapy room - it can look like a shared, gentle presence with attuned listening. Two people connecting in a space that becomes safe as time goes on.
Therapy may not immediately feel safe for those who have experienced trauma. Their nervous systems are often accustomed to scanning for potential threats so it often takes a little longer to experience therapy as safe and comfortable.
It is very common now for people to identify their triggers - or at least begin to notice what tends to set off a strong response. A trigger is a shift out of safety and into protection from a threat.
Now I find that most people don’t know that a “glimmer” is a word to describe the opposite of a trigger - a tiny moment of ventral safety.
It might be a deep breath, listening to a bird’s song, the warmth of a cup of tea, or the quiet joy of noticing you’re okay for a moment. It doesn’t have to last very long. But every time that you notice that you are safe, your nervous system learns a new story - I can be still and safe.
Take a moment to notice your own nervous system right now…
Is it energized? Calm? Tired?
What could you do right now to feel a little more grounded? Could you be even 10% more comfortable if you shifted your body slightly? Could you light a candle for a calming scent? Open a window to hear the pitter patter of the rain outside? Or could you reach up and stretch your arms out tall? Is there an animal that you could pet?
Every time we experience a moment of safe stillness, our nervous system learns a new story — one of safety, connection, and hope.
My hope is that this blog post offered something meaningful for you! Thank you for spending your time here.
I wish you the best today & always!
Janaya Andrews, RCC, MACP
Acknowledgement & Citation
This post is informed by material from the training “Polyvagal Theory: Pathways to Stillness” presented by Deb Dana, LCSW, through PESI, Inc. (2025). Deb Dana is the author of The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation (W. W. Norton, 2018) and related works that apply Polyvagal Theory to clinical practice. For more, visit rhythmofregulation.com or polyvagalinstitute.org.
