Why Stillness Feels Hard
Do you find that slowing down doesn’t immediately bring you peace? It feels uncomfortable, or perhaps boring.
Do you notice that your thoughts begin to rush in to fill the silence, tension builds in your chest, and you realize that your to-do list is not getting done - willing you to get up?
Your body is doing what it learned to do - it’s keeping you safe!
Informed by the work of Deb Dana, LCSW and Dr. Stephen Porges, let’s dive further into Polyvagal theory to understand why.
When we look at stillness - it is more than just a moment of inactivity. It is a moment where our nervous system has fewer distractions. Instead of moving around the house completing tasks or sitting at a computer typing out a document for work - we are still.
And stillness alone, often causes our internal world to become really loud and noticeable. Suddenly - we become attuned with the time on the clock, which ticks by slower than ever. Maybe our body begins feeling stiff - urging us to move again. When our bodies are quiet, the mind turns up the volume on us. And that can be vulnerable - scary even! We may not want to listen to what our mind is telling us, so keeping busy seems like the better option. . . or is it?
What story does your nervous system tell you?
Each of us has a unique “autonomic story”- a map shaped by our experiences, relationships, and environments.
Did you have a safe, warm home to grow up in where you were provided for? Did you have access to adequate food, water, and clothing? Did you have unconditional love given to you by a parent or guardian? Were you offered the space to slow down, to critically think and make decisions about your life? You may have experienced all or none of these things and yet stillness can still be a threat to you.
The reason for this is that even if your basic needs are met, your nervous system can still experience stillness as unsafe - safety is not only shaped by what was provided, but how experiences were felt and processed over time. For example, you may have learned that slowing down meant being seen as lazy, or that spending time alone meant you weren’t social enough.
Over time, the nervous system adapts. If a person becomes used to staying busy, alert, or “on,” then stillness can feel unfamiliar - or even activating. That’s because there is no longer something to track, manage, or respond to.
You may notice that when you try to rest, your sympathetic system might surge with energy (“Do something!”), or your dorsal system might pull you into shutdown (“This is too much.”).
This isn’t a flaw. It’s your body’s wisdom based on what it knows.
If I keep moving - I will be safe. I will be productive. I will be predictable. I will be comfortable. I will be social. I will be accepted by others.
Activating Survival Mode in Stillness
In moments of stillness, the nervous system scans for cues:
Is it safe to stop?
Is it safe to be still?
Is it safe to remain quiet?
When the answer feels like “no,” the body may respond with:
Mobilization: restlessness, fidgeting, racing thoughts
Hypervigilance: scanning, waiting for something to go wrong
Shutdown: heaviness, disconnection, numbness
These survival responses are not failures. They are biological patterns meant to protect you.
How can we become safely still?
Rather than forcing calm, we can approach stillness with curiosity. Small, gentle practices invite the nervous system to feel safer a little at a time.
Try choosing micro-moments:
A 5-second exhale
Noticing one “glimmer” (a calming presence of a pet, soft blanket, warm beverage)
Relaxing your jaw by 10%
Placing a supportive hand on your chest ❤️
Resting your feet on the ground
Think about a person you love. . .
These moments are puzzle pieces. Eventually, they form a picture of safety your body can trust.
Reflection Questions
What happens inside you when things get quiet?
Where in your body do you first notice discomfort?
What helps you feel 10% safer in a moment of stillness?
Where can you go (physically) that feels like a safe space - even just for a moment? [For me - it’s any body of water… the ocean especially.]
Your nervous system is not trying to be difficult - but it may be misunderstood. If these are new concepts for you - be gentle. Take it all in slowly! The more time you spend spotting the cues of safety (and danger), the easier it will become to find stillness - even in moments of chaos.
Thank you for being here. I hope this blog post helps you access your inner world with more curiosity and compassion.
I wish you the best today & always!
Janaya Andrews, RCC, MACP
Acknowledgement & Citation
This post is informed by material from the training “Polyvagal Theory: Pathways to Stillness” presented by Deb Dana, LCSW, through PESI, Inc. (2025). Deb Dana is the author of The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation (W. W. Norton, 2018) and related works that apply Polyvagal Theory to clinical practice. For more, visit rhythmofregulation.com or polyvagalinstitute.org.
